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<title>the blue ocean is so dark and bottomless, i guess i'll sleep now by Kimura_S</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24841009">the blue ocean is so dark and bottomless, i guess i'll sleep now</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimura_S/pseuds/Kimura_S'>Kimura_S</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Voltron: Legendary Defender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Cutting, Depressed Lance (Voltron), Depression, Don't copy to another site, Heavy Angst, I tried though ;-;, Lance here is probably really ooc, Poor baby I'm so sorry T-T, possible major character death, possible suicide but up to interpretation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:48:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>821</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24841009</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimura_S/pseuds/Kimura_S</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The sinking feeling is coming back.  He feels it dragging him down.  It’s getting harder to breathe. </p>
<p>He finds himself turning to the glinting metal again. </p>
<p>“One last time,” he whispered.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the blue ocean is so dark and bottomless, i guess i'll sleep now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, I'm really sorry about writing this T-T.  I found this in my files the other day and apparently I had written this in early August 2019 so I decided to polish it a little so some people can read it if they want to.  Comment what you think about it so we can all cry together T-T.  </p>
<p>P.S. Please do comment what tags I might've missed so that I could add them, thanks~</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Lance, stop flirting so much.” </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“Lance, why are you so annoying?” </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“Lance, you should learn to fight better.” </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“Lance, you should stop messing around so much.”</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Thoughts left and right battered his already war-torn and fragile mind.  He tried hard to help the team but no matter what he did, he was seen as a nuisance.  It seemed that negativity and trouble liked to haunt him no matter how much he fought them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sinking feeling is coming back.  He feels it dragging him down.  It’s getting harder to breathe.  He didn’t have his pills to drown those thoughts.  It’s only getting worse.  The voices are coming back.  He can hear them.  It scares him.  Why does it seem like everybody hates him?  ...Or have they always acted this way towards him?  Maybe they didn’t care for him in the first place.  No, that can’t be it.  He knows that the team has been stressed lately from the growing frequency of Galra attacks. <em>  It’s okay,</em> he thinks.  They will be fine soon enough. <em>  He’s not a failure</em>, he tries to reason.  But the thoughts--the voices, they’re growing louder.  It’s hard to think now when all he hears are the arguments springing up left and right lately between the team and the off-handed comments about his uselessness.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He finds himself turning to the glinting metal again.  It’s tempting.  So very tempting.  He tries to ignore the urge, the temptation. But after he became his team’s metaphorical punching bag when they exploded from stress, he couldn’t help but reach for the blades.  At first, he felt the excruciating burn when he lightly pressed the blades against his skin as he dragged them in horizontal lines.  The little red beads pooling along the self-inflicted cut throbbed with pain, and somewhere in the back of his mind, a tiny thought screamed at him to stop; but the feeling of bliss overwhelmed such thought.  The tiny, shallow cuts eventually grew in size and depth as the war with the Galra raged on.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lance always tried to improve himself yet he always made mistakes during a battle.  So, of course, the cuts helped him punish himself for his mistakes.  It feels right--<em> no</em><b>, </b> <b> <em>it is right </em></b>to do this to himself as punishment for his failure. <em>  He deserved it. </em>  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he was switched to Red, he felt the pain of betrayal.  But, of course, why would anyone want him anyway.  Logically, he knew that the switch made sense, yet he could not help but think that he was only a placeholder within the team. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It wouldn’t hurt if he disappeared, right? This was a thought he had mentally debated for months after his switch to Red, until he finally tired of fighting against those thoughts.  There was still a major battle to fight.  After this battle, someone better would take over for him.  Someone who would be way more talented than he could ever be.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night before the battle, after he washed the blood off of his fresh cuts, he gripped the sink in deep thought.  How would he prepare?  What should he say to his teammates?  What would be his explanation for his actions?  He could not think of any, though, surely, they must not need one anyway if they wanted him to leave.  They would be happy if he left.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“One last time,” he whispered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One. Last. Time.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>~°~</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Strangely, he felt calm as he fought.  Something inside him was resolved.  The voices quieted.  His mind was clear.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the team and Lance returned to the castle, Lance offered his goodbyes, making sure to not reveal his final plan, in the off chance that someone wanted to foil it.  When he returned to his room, he tidied the mess, knowing the team would be annoyed if he left the mess for them to clean up after he was dead. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After doing so, he locked himself in his bathroom.  He turned on the faucet in the Altean bathtub.  He watched as the water filled the tub.  Razors in hand, he leveled himself into the tub.  He took a few moments to offer his apologies to his family back on Earth.  His family must have been so disappointed to have raised such a terrible child.  He offered his apologies to his team for having to deal with a failure like him, even though he would never know their answers to it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And so, with a small gasp, he cut deeply into his scarred skin.  Blood poured out in quick succession.  He smiled.  He continued on his other wrist as he watched with increasing haziness as the blood continued to pour from the lacerations.  With a shaky sigh, he released the blades on a ledge in the bathtub.  <em> I won’t fail anybody anymore</em>, he thought serenely as his consciousness seeped through his wounds.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then, it was dark.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~°~</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>End.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Written 5 August 2019</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Edited 21 June 2020</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
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